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November 2009 
Why Livejournal Beats Facebook, Myspace, and even Gaia...
Posted on Apr 6th, 2009
by 
heemes
heemes
...when it comes to Friends and understanding relationships between people.
Almost all the social networks allow a simple "We're Friends" connection. In this environment, we're either mutual friends or not friends at all. Something is either present or not.
However, LJ allows two more possibilities for friendship connections, each being a one-way friendship. This rings truer based on my own experience in the real world.
In other words, how many times have you thought, "I am more a friend to him/her than (s)he is to me."?
Almost all the social networks allow a simple "We're Friends" connection. In this environment, we're either mutual friends or not friends at all. Something is either present or not.
However, LJ allows two more possibilities for friendship connections, each being a one-way friendship. This rings truer based on my own experience in the real world.
In other words, how many times have you thought, "I am more a friend to him/her than (s)he is to me."?
Access: Public
Yes, mutual friendship is tougher to negotiate and it can really hurt to be defriended when you still care for someone. But I'm not sure about the one-way friendship idea. It seems more of a construct to me than reflective of the real world.
But I'd like to hear more about your thoughts on this.
Wonderful, a comment from a VERY intelligent friend!
Here's my go at a fuller explanation, Nicole, albeit stream of consciousness style.
First, some remarks to preface.
Our friendship networks in real life and online tend to grow, to paraphrase you, intentionally or naturally. Samme created a blog project which is a great example of intentional friendship building here on Gaia. Naturally growing a friendship group means checking out blogs/groups and other posts, seeing what resonates through a comment or few, then sending a friend request.
In online communities, two people may become friends through a third party, usually a mutual friend who introduces. This is also common as natural friendships. But I've had mutual friends in real life say to me, “She's more your friend than mine, so I'll have to let her go as a friend since you and I aren't getting along.”. While this seems strange on the face of it, energetically, it makes some sense. My introduction of two people has something to do with me. In a way, I gave birth to their friendship. Uncomfortable feelings may accompany that friendship, should it continue. Or not. What I'm pointing to is the possibility that those friends may be at a crossroads that has nothing to do with their actual relationship. Online communities could take that notion more seriously.
In conclusion, for now, I can be a generous friend even in the absence of a software connection called “friendship” on Gaia.com. I am in the habit of not responding to former friends or worse yet, former friends who've blocked me from their profiles here on Gaia (recent exchange with Susan #1 and mentioning MorningStar on Centria's blog notwithstanding). To my way of thinking, this makes me a friend to them, even if they are not friendly toward me. Hence, the construct holds as valid in practice.
Does this long winded explanation make sense to you? :-)
I haven't had that experience in my own life of friends saying that to me, so I'm trying to wrap my mind around that.
I guess I have a different approach. If I've been told that my comments are unhelpful and I feel there is no openness at all, of course I won't comment. But I try as much as possible to maintain an open stance even towards those who have unfriended me who may not be as hostile, and sometimes it involves positively acknowledging something they have said in a group.
But the important thing for me is to let go of the attachment to being a friend. When I feel that twinge of sadness, acknowledge and release. It's ok to be sad but it's ok that the person chose to unfriend me. It's all good.
What do you think?
But the important thing for me is to let go of the attachment to being
a friend. When I feel that twinge of sadness, acknowledge and release.
It's ok to be sad but it's ok that the person chose to unfriend me.
It's all good.
I totally agree with this. And I'll add something.
Are you willing to let go of the attachment to -not- being a friend? I am.
Yes, indeed, that is at least as important.
So we are of the same mind, although my 'blocked' list is no doubt larger. :-)
If you and I are open to becoming friends again with former friends, then I'm thinking that being a one-sided friend would be a better option than keeping an open Gaian profile for the community to see. Hence my original statement.
Now I'm confused, sorry. How would having a closed profile be more open? Or am I totally missing your point?
I understand the whole “I am more of a friend to her than he/she is to me.” It can be compared to a romantic relationship gone bad. Sometimes, one person puts in more effort than the other … they are giving giving giving and there is no receiving. Therefore, the relationship is one sided; not equal; 90% vs. 10% of effort.
Does that make sense? Is that even close to what you're talking about?!! If not, I at least understand what I said and can relate to what you were saying on that level.
Nicole, there are three profile access possibilities on Livejournal, only two on Gaia. On Gaia, I can have an open profile to the community (or world) at large where former friends can learn what I am interested in, see my patterns and perhaps choose differently so we can re-connect. Or I can go “Friends Only” so former friends can see what I'm up to on the groups alone, leaving them out of my profile.
The third option is to make some option so that a former friend with whom I have no issue with from my point of view a so-called 'one-sided' friend so that they can see my Friends Only posts, history, etc. leaving the world/community at large none the wiser.
Rachel, you've got it. Even more than romance, though. This is about healing and loving each other in the process. :-)
Just today, I released all hope of former friends returning to me. These friends have blocked me and seem to be intractable in their resolve to continue the 'blockade' (rallying others to block me as well). I'd name them so that they would know that I've reached the end of my patience (nine months!). Yet I realize that this would be a violation of their privacy, so I shall not.
I love you. I set you free.
Learned recently about Facebook…
When someone is blocked on Facebook, you can't even see their posts on (former) mutual friends profiles; they are practically invisible. And they can't see yours either. Less triggering perhaps.
Not better or worse than Gaia.com, just different. Or is it???
Hi Paul
If I'm following this right, i think i see what you mean.
If someone blocks you, they can not see your posts, nor you theirs?
What you are saying is, if someone doesn't want you in their circle, thats fine, but since you didn't exclude them, you have no issue with them seeing your posts. (Thay could choose not to read but that;s up to them)
However it does leave a door open for people to reconsider, conclude they acted in haste, or whatever………..
I'm having a bit of trouble around the idea of people being blocked, it seems odd to me, so in that sense, a range of block options…………let's build in lots of ways people can show their displeasure…………it seems like putting effort in the wrong direction.
If someone made their profile friends only, and then for some reason broke the friends link, why would you (or me, or anyone) go to the trouble of trying to stay in touch when it was clearly not welcome. Sort of makes the block feature feel like a cop out, so people can avoid dealing with things.
My tuppence worth
Liz
My experience around being blocked has shown me that it creates a small hurt inside when I see someone who has blocked me post in a public area and then get a lot of attention from others who have also blocked me. These small hurts, if accumulated and not resolved within my energy, can create circles of despair and resentment which I act out negatively online. Blocking someone for no more than thirty days works for me. If negativity continues beyond the month period and I'm not able to clear with that person or persons, then I see no other choice than to ignore their messages. So invisibility works for me then.
Thanks for sharing, Liz. Hope all is well with you and looking forward to additional commentary from you and/or others.
Hi Paul, most of the people I know who block others really turn their back wholly on them, so I don't know if a thirty-day thing would work for them.
I know it has been hard for you. But I truly believe that relative freedom, as much as possible, from reliance on what others think of you, can be a gift on the other side of repeated rejection.
What do you think? Hugs
Yes I'd be hurt too. Obviously there's a story here of which I know nothing. I wonder though…..I'm aware of the little bit of me that tends to always fear I'm never quite good enough (for good, read smart, funny, tall, thin, wealthy, spiritual…..depends what time of day it is and what the circumstances are)…so I suspect receiving the kind of exluding treatment you describe would feed that. And, yep, I'd resent that like hell. But I'd resent it because it touched my achilles heel….it's in me, not in “them”, if that makes sense.
Only you know the hows and whys for you, but I'm with Nicole, sometimes its better not to care too much what random other people think.
The blocking and almost public celebrating you describe sounds like playground behavious to me, why would want people like that as friends?
If you really want to suffer, try personalizing everything that happens.~ Deepak Chopra
Liz
Food for thought, ladies. :-)